Found this from Tom Kyte. The subject alone tells everyone that this dude is serious and you are lucky to even have the chance to help him:

URGENT URGENT PLZ READ B4 OTHERS VERY URGENT NO TIME WASTERS

The poster uses an perfect storm of IM speak, arrogance, stupidity, and the caps lock key to compose this fantastic post. He responded later in the thread and offered this bit of inside information that I'm sure will tempt any would-be helper:
I KNOW THE ACCESS DATABASE VERY WELL, AND IS FAR BETTER THAN ORACLE. ORCALE IS TOO MANY DOCS
Yeah, too many docs! How can he possibly be expected to read them all, or even just the one that he might need? But seeing as though those jerks in the OTN forums just don't get it, he was forced to tack on this addendum to the original post:
Message was edited by:
user571114

PLZ DO NOT WASTE MY TIME
So everyone hurry on over and help this guy out.